batgimp

People and things that annoy the shit out of me...]

Sesame Street Style

A is for... Attention Seekers
Those people who are constantly screaming when they see anyone they recognise. Then proceed to run over and hug them. Please don't touch me. I don't like you.

B is for... Bottled Water
So you're in town on a Saturday, you're hung-over from the night before and you're not long after a greasy fry up. Needless to say you're dehydrated. You hit Woolworths for a 500ml bottle of Deep RiverRock, and you're stung for 80p. It's a bottle of fucking water, not Jesus Christ's pancreatic fluid.

C is for... Cameron Diaz
I honestly don't know what it is. Something about that woman just pukes me. But I'm sure that once you get past her terrible acting and the fact that she actually spent time with Justin Timberlake when she didn't have to... she's a lovely person.

D is for... Daytime Television
David Dickinson, Neighbours, Loose Women, Dr. Phil... Basically everything designed to sicken the soul.

E is for... E-Tabs
Have you people ever actually looked at yourselves when you're on those things? You look like extras from One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest.

F is for... Fast Food Advertisements
Why is it that the brand new, reasonably priced KFC family bucket advert pops onto our screens when we're starving and skint?

G is for... Gay guys
Not all of them. And I'm not going to lie and say that I have loads of gay friends, because I don't. I've got like one. It's just those ones who think they can be as rude to you as they like because they know you won't do anything about it. And why won't you do anything about it? "He hit me because I'm gay!” Ever notice those same people have more friends than you've had clean socks? I don’t understand it either.

H is for... Harry Hill
He is not, nor will he ever be funny. If he was as hilarious as some people think he is, he wouldn't be doing You've Been Framed. Then again I suppose the same people who find him funny are the same people who can watch an old woman falling at a wedding and a small child falling off a swing 40,000 times and still give themselves a brain haemorrhage from laughing hysterically.

I is for... Ignorance
Basically about half of the Oak bar staff. If you want to get served in there I suggest you shave your head, wear a football top and start enjoying dance music immediately. Well actually it wouldn’t be very hard to get served there now… given the fact that they don’t have any customers.

J is for... Julian Simmons
You know that UTV presenter? I can’t believe that “man” is still alive. Oh my God your exaggerated Belfast accent is so hilarious! That doubled with your blinding orange pudgy face gives me 100% confidence that you’ll be hosting the Oscars some time very soon.

K is for... Katie Holmes
Batman Begins was a potential masterpiece, until she got her greasy Scientologist paws on the Rachel Dawes role. At least now she gets to sit at home and get bullied by that pint sized grin with shoes Mr. Tom Cruise.

L is for... Long Boring Stories
You know when someone’s talking to you about their day, and you just don’t give a rat’s ass? Yes, I’m sure when you gave Simon or whatever the fuck his name is one sugar instead of two in his tea it was side splitting. Now shut up and move away from the TV. Julian Simmons is on.

M is for... McDonalds
Can I have some burger meat with my grease please? They do a nice chocolate milkshake though.

N is for... Nickelback
“Never made it as a Wiseman”. No fucking shit Sherlock, but with that beard and hair you could play one in a nativity play. Then that way you’d have a whole new group of 20 or 30 people who actually enjoy listening to you.

O is for... Orlando Bloom
You don’t get much more wooden than this man. At least when big Hollywood directors are looking for someone to put in their next big budget blockbuster alongside the likes of Johnny Depp and Eric Bana, in order to get the 13 year old girls to go see whatever pirate, Iraq bashing, medieval, three hour long torture fest being released this month… you’ll be at least 18th on their list.

P is for... Public Transportation
Ulsterbus. Well they just arrive whenever they feel like it don’t they. It’s nice that you’re taking it easy today and you’ve decided to take an extra 20 minutes for your lunch break, but it’s raining and I have somewhere to be. Prick.

Q is for... Quizzical People
Those people, who do nothing but ask questions, then forget they’ve asked them, and then ask them again. Those people you absolutely dread seeing in the street. Do you honestly even care or do you just like the sound of your own voice? I have a question for you… why are you such a shit stain?

R is for... Reality TV
Big Brother’s just about the worst thing on TV, and it’s impossible to escape. Then there’s I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! I recognise 1 out of about 10 people on that show, and I never know their names. “There’s the on cunt that was in Busted.” Just eat the crocodile penis David Gest, you were married to Liza Minneli for Christ’s sake, I’m sure you’ve had worse things in your mouth.

S is for... Superman
Where does this man get his fan base? With one of the worst costumes in superhero history and a quiff that makes Danny Zuko look manly, this man has to be a pole smoker. The only thing that pisses me off more than Superman are the people of Metropolis, talk about a bunch of retards. I’m sure that if I took off my glasses and curled a small portion of my fringe none of my close friends would recognise me. Those people aren’t worth saving.

T is for... Tetris
I just don’t like it...

U is for... UTV
Gerry Kelly, Julian Simmons, Coronation Street, Lesser Spotted Ulster, Insight, then of course there’s the UTV news, with incredible stories of cars having their windows smashed in Belfast and Gaelic scores, what’s not to love? Then of course there are the amazing big budget UTV dramas. Fucking hell.

W is for... Women
I’m fairly sure that almost every woman I have ever known has been a complete and total psychopath. No offence, I don’t want castrated or anything, but it’s true. They’re complete schizophrenics. I mean I get myself into a bad mood every now and again, but I don’t fall out with someone once a month for doing things like, chewing their cheese too slowly.

X is for... X-Men: The Last Stand
The first two X-Men movies were by no means spectacular, but they were good. Why did you leave the franchise to make the dismal Superman Returns Bryan Singer? And who decided it would be a good idea to let Brett Ratner’s pudgy fingers on this? I mean he obviously had no love for this project. And then of course I’m bitter about the fact that Gambit was left out once again.

Y is for... You
Cause you’re an asshole. (May not apply to all readers)

Z is for... Zoos
Animals in cages. What’s not to like?